Calm in the Chaos

     Tonight, I had the opportunity to catch up on my Bible reading plan.  I had gotten behind in the Chronological Plan that I chose to follow this year.  I recently read in Numbers 13 about the spies that were sent to look at the Promised Land.  These people were literally on the brink of moving into their promise, and they went to check it out.  When they returned, they were able to confirm that the land was just as God had promised. It was beautiful and grew amazing crops.  It was “flowing with milk and honey”.  They continued: Numbers 13:28 ^“Nevertheless, the people who live in the land are strong, and the cities are fortified and very large; and moreover, we saw the descendants of Anak there. ²⁹Amalek is living in the land of the Negev and the Hittites and the Jebusites and the Amorites are living in the hill country, and the Canaanites are living by the sea and by the side of the Jordan.”

     Caleb tried to be the voice of reason:  ³⁰ Then Caleb quieted the people before Moses and said, “We should by all means go up and take possession of it, for we will surely overcome it.”


     But the crowd continued:  “We are not able to go up against the people, for they are too strong for us.” ³² So they gave out to the sons of Israel a bad report of the land which they had spied out, saying, “The land through which we have gone, in spying it out, is a land that devours its inhabitants; and all the people whom we saw in it are men of great size…”

     Numbers 14:1 Then all the congregation lifted up their voices and cried, and the people wept that night…

⁶ Joshua the son of Nun and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, of those who had spied out the land, tore their clothes; ⁷ and they spoke to all the congregation of the sons of Israel, saying, “The land which we passed through to spy out is an exceedingly good land. ⁸ If the Lord is pleased with us, then He will bring us into this land and give it to us—a land which flows with milk and honey. ⁹ Only do not rebel against the Lord; and do not fear the people of the land, for they will be our prey. Their protection has been removed from them, and the Lord is with us; do not fear them.”


     So basically, these 40 men spied out the land.  Two of the men saw a promise fulfilled. 38 of them saw something that made them tremble.  They saw something that they felt was bigger than them.  They saw something that was new and scary to them.  They came back to the camp and spread fear and panic among the Israelites.  Two men were faithful and chose to focus on God’s promise and be encouragers. 

     Today, I was reading in Psalm 90 as part of the reading plan.  However, my eye was drawn to Psalm 91. 

      A peace washed over me.  I deleted the Facebook app from my phone.  I refuse to listen to the ones constantly talking about a “giant” virus. That is very similar to the 38 in the Bible story who spread fear and panic. I can remain informed and make wise choices without a constant feed of doomsday in my face. I am not going to share my personal thoughts.  I do not want to become another clanging cymbal about this topic.  It really doesn’t matter what my opinion is anyway. My opinion changes nothing and just becomes a part of the problem.  I knew I wouldn’t post about this unless I had something new to say.  I'm not going to share the stories and opinions of some self-proclaimed expert on the topic. So, when I read this scripture, I hoped and prayed I could follow the example of Joshua and Caleb and focus on the PROMISE. Whenever I read the words "I will" in my Bible, I circle those words.  PROMISES. God is in control and that is all I need to know.

A New Mindset

    

I arrived for choir rehearsal this past Sunday morning, still a little groggy, but excited to sing at all three services. After some prayer time, we were instructed to take our place on the risers for a quick run-through with the worship team. As the crescendo of the underscore began to fill the room, the lyrics were displayed in front of us. I remember staring at the words, and realizing that I'd soon be making a declaration in front of my church family. The song with which we were opening was called "Grateful". The lyrics begin, "This is the day, that You have made. whatever comes, I won't complain". I quickly realized that I'd soon be joining in with a chorus of people who are saying that no matter what happens that day, we will not complain. That is a scary declaration to make when the sun has hardly made an appearance over the horizon!
I left church that day, accepting the challenge that the Lord placed on my heart through that song. It was convicting to realize how lazy I've been in confronting this sin. Each day offers so many opportunities for complaining. Aches, pains, bills, broken appliances, a disagreement with my husband, clashes with other people's personalities, dealing with the short-comings of others, my family and myself, turning on the news, politics, stress, exhaustion, etc...the opportunities for complaining are truly innumerable. However, that also must mean that the opportunities for praise are even more so innumerable.

God has been teaching me over the past year or so about the power of gratitude. Just look up verses on "thanksgiving". God's Word tells us so much about a thankful heart. For example, in Psalms 69:30, we see that thanksgiving glorifies God. Psalms 100:4 tells us that through thanksgiving, we enter His courts. I receive the key to His beautiful presence when I am thankful! In Philippians 4:6, we see that thanksgiving is the anecdote for anxiety! In Nehemiah 11 and 12, it says that there were people who were in charge of thanksgiving! It reads as if that was their assignment or job! How cool is that? This shows me how important it is to choose gratitude.

I've been thinking about this a lot the past few days. It makes sense why gratitude is so important. If I get started talking about a subject, I have been known to step up on a soap box. Once I fan a tiny spark of complaint, it is only seconds before I have a blazing wildfire within me. I've noticed that the same thing happens with gratitude. When I choose to turn my focus toward my blessings, I begin to notice another blessing, then another, and it continues like that. Now, which one glorifies God? Which one brings me into His presence? Which one replaces my anxious thoughts?

I've learned just how much this is a CHOICE. Instead of complaining about the actions of a person, I'm in the process of learning to pray for them and let my frustrations inspire me to examine my own ways. Instead of complaining about bills, I'm learning to praise God for His provision of a job and learn to be a good steward of His provision of money. Instead of filling my brain with a constant feed of discouraging or scary things going on in the world, I can praise God for the good that is happening and I can choose to go out and be the good that I want to see happening. Instead of anxious thoughts, I can focus on my blessings and where my hope lies!
I will be honest, I'm a little sad that I'm this far into my walk with the Lord and I'm just learning to train my brain into this mindset. Sometimes complaining is more appealing than gratitude because I get to elevate myself and my opinions above things and even people that bring me frustration. Ouch! I don't like to see it that way in the middle of a complaint-fest, but that is what I'm doing when I focus my mind on grumbling. However, I'm learning what's more appealing is the honor of humbling myself and exalting God no matter what comes my way.

I asked God to help me change my ways. I asked Him to help me listen to my inner thoughts and not let them go unchecked. After all, words cannot come without first a thought. God's Word tells us that our words are an overflow of the heart. (Luke 6:45) I've asked God to begin that process of changing my words, which should change my thoughts, which will hopefully train my heart. I want my very nature to be one of gratitude and praise!

For a Little While

     There was a tightness in my chest as my peripheral vision revealed the stuff of my nightmares.  Off in the distance, I could see a tall bridge.  I knew that bridge was a part of the interstate that goes through Jackson.  I've been on it before, but I was not the driver.  You see, I will drive 20 minutes out of the way to avoid bridges and even interstates.  What is funny is that I had just hung up the phone with my husband who had driven this road before.  I asked him all of the usual questions:  "Are there any bridges?  Any high twists and turns?  Any surprises?"   "What if I wind up on the interstate?"  I heard a very respectful, but faint giggle in his tone.  "You won't just wind up on the interstate.  You'd have to merge to get on the interstate."  

      "Oh.  You are right."

     That's the thing about fear and phobias.  They aren't real.  They aren't rational.  Still, I was quite literally trembling at the sight of that road in the sky, even though logic told me I wouldn't be going on it.  There were a few "hills" over which I had to drive.  Everything in me said, "Stop the car.  Turn around.  You don't know what is coming."  Still, there was a quiet, but confident voice that kept chanting, "Perfect love casts out fear."  "I did not give you a spirit of fear."  "Your children are watching you."  

     OUCH!  My kids.  Talk about hitting me where it hurts.  My children were talking and laughing and singing along with the radio.  They were clueless about what I was wrestling.  I wanted it to stay that way.  I've watched my kids observe my behavior in the past and suddenly have fears that didn't bother them until they saw my reaction.  I do not want to manifest fears in them.  They'll have their own battles in life.  They don't need mine.

     Therefore, I white-knuckled the steering wheel and allowed my attention to focus on the that still, small voice, because it was speaking truth!  I drove over each little hill, and each tiny bridge while keeping that high one in my left peripheral view.  To anyone else, this might be comical, but to me it was victory!  I have lived in Jackson nearly 8 years and have avoided driving on the interstate thus far.  That is so sad to me.  I don't want to continue enabling myself, but the thought of tackling the fear of the interstate, the fear of getting lost, the fear of not knowing what is next, the fear of surprise high bridges, the fear of aggressive drivers, or high speed wrecks is debilitating!

     I recently experienced a season of anxiety.  I awoke one evening around 3AM with a racing heartbeat.  I could not get it to slow down.  This began a very scary 3-4 month journey.  I thought something was terribly wrong with my health.  I began visiting doctors.  I made the awful mistake of googling symptoms.  I knew something was wrong, but grew frustrated when doctors would stamp a label of "anxiety" on my forehead.  I felt there was NO WAY this was "just anxiety".  I even visited a cardiologist and left with a wonderful report on my healthy heart...and tears of frustration.  I kept thinking, "I'm dying and no one knows the cause."  

     One night, I asked God to show me why I feel so stuck.  I closed my eyes and a picture of a giant dead tree came into my mind.  It had thick and strong roots, but produced not fruit.  The word fear had grown into the trunk of that dead tree.  I recognized how the roots of fear had invaded several areas of my life.  I went home and drew that tree so I'd have a visual.  I want that thing to get uprooted, pushed through the wood chipper, and burned.  I want beauty from those ashes!

     The reason I share this is because through this season, I learned that I am not alone.  I began to share with a couple of people and they'd share their own experience.  Therefore, I'd share with a few more and most shared their experience once again.  This pattern continued, and I realized that this is a very silent battle that many are fighting.  I'm thankful that I'm on the other side of it, but I recognize the symptoms now in case this season returns.  I went to a counselor and was diagnosed with PTSD and a mild case of OCD, and I recognized several phobias--one being bridges.  I did have to go through a season of taking medication, but was able to wean off of it quickly.  My hormones, brain, and body were in the middle of a storm!  I was crying out to Jesus to calm the storm, but for that season, I had to take a medication for additional support.  I am usually a granola girl, using whole food supplements, oils and diet to handle my struggles.  I still believe that is the first choice, but there are times when pharmaceuticals are necessary.  I personally did not have to stay on them.  Some people may need them as a constant help.  I also am released from counseling, but she is on call any time I need to go.  For that I am thankful.  I find no shame in mental health.  Mental, spiritual and emotional health are the causes of so many physical ailments, so why not get to the source?  

     I am so thankful for that season.  Sounds weird, huh?  However, I mean it sincerely!  So many people battle this!  So many moms battle this!  So many home school moms battle this!  You see, that is my heart.  I want to reach out to moms--especially home school moms and make sure each has a support group.  That is such a scary season. Never, ever, ever face it alone!!!  I had the best support group help me through that time.  

     I still have things I need to let God help me overcome.  I don't want to settle for less than He has to offer.  However, I do not feel shame for my trembling hands while I was driving over those tiny hills a few days ago.  God was there, talking me through it.  Never once did He tell me that if I was a better Christian I wouldn't be dealing with this.  He showed me that we are all battling something, but BECAUSE I'm a Christian, He will be talking through every mountaintop, valley and bridge until the fear either fades away or is wiped out in a split second by His love.

 My favorite verses during those days:  (my own emphasis has been added; red for instruction and purple for promises)

^{1 Peter 5:6} Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, ⁷ casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. ⁸ Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. ^9 [d]But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your ^[e]brethren who are in the world. ¹⁰ After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. ¹¹ To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.

^{Philippians 4:4} Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. ⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is ^[e]lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, ^[f]dwell on these things. ⁹ The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

So...Do You Guys Practice Courting, or What?

          I am aware that the title of this post is odd, but the reason I'm writing it is because I am asked that question or a very similar one all the time!  I'm not sure if it is because of the way we run our home, our limits on phones, video games, television shows, social media, etc.., or if it is because people have just noticed that none of my children are dating.  It's possible that people make this assumption because we home school and have a large family.  Of course, this assumption would be sort of correct,  unlike most home school family generalizations. 
     There was a time when my oldest was in elementary school that we began thinking about how we would approach dating rules.  A friend of mine told me about how she did not plan on letting her children date.  I had never heard of such an idea!  That is why I'm sharing this.  I do not intend to judge other parents on the decisions they've made for their children.  God will not instruct me on how to raise other people's children.  Please don't attach some imaginary voice of judgment to this post.  That is not my intent.  I post this because I never would have considered this approach had someone not shared it with me, so I'm sharing it for those who are interested. 

     In the Beginning

     After listening to my friend all those years ago, I decided to wipe away every idea I had about what age children are "normally" allowed to date.  I began in God's Word.  I looked into how people in the Bible approached the topic.  Guess what?  They didn't.  It appears that dating wasn't a "thing" in Biblical times.  I am sure that crushes, flirting, giggling girls and boys throwing rocks at girls that they like, were all just as normal then as they are today, but I didn't see any instruction on dating.  I am not saying that this means it is wrong to date, but possibly unnecessary. 

     My second bit of research was to go back into my memory and think of my dating past.  I should preface this by saying that my history in dating was a pretty big disaster.  I did not choose people who had the values I would someday desire in a husband.  Still, I decided to make a list of anything positive that dating brought into my marriage.  The list was very short.  Like, not one stroke of ink kind of short.  I could've made a list of all of the negative things dating brought into my marriage, but I was afraid I would get a cramp in my hand and run out of ink.  I summed it up into one word:  baggage.  All dating did for me, personally was lower my self-esteem, confuse me, wound my heart, etc...  Don't get me wrong, I do have some fond memories of certain dates, but the end result was usually not a positive one.  After I thought through these things, I decided I wanted more for my children.  My husband and I came up with a plan for the future of our children.

The Rules

     My husband and I began discussing what our plan would be for our children when dating became a possibility for them.  I'll be honest, we did not agree at first.  I wanted to lock them up and throw away the key until I had chosen the perfect spouse for them.  (Ok, that may be a bit of a stretch, but it's pretty close).  My husband was on the opposite end of the spectrum and didn't mind the possibility of allowing them to date in high school.  We decided to compromise so that we could approach this topic unified. 

     Our children are told throughout their entire childhood that we want them to enjoy 18 carefree years of childhood.  That is why we wait for the appropriate time for things like phones, social media, make-up, and dating.  Those things and other milestones are gradually introduced when the child shows the maturity and self-control necessary to handle each milestone.  We determined that dating would be one of the last things introduced. 

     The way I see it, we don't trust children younger than 16 to be able to handle the responsibility of driving.  We don't trust children younger than 18 to have the knowledge and decision making skills to vote.  We don't trust youth younger than 21 to have the self-control and maturity to handle alcohol, yet we are expecting youth who are younger than this to handle the responsibility, have the knowledge, decision making skills, and self-control to handle such a huge responsibility as dating!  I am very careful with my children's hearts and I am very intentional about them being careful with the hearts of others.  I want their childhood memories to be filled with adventure, friendships, family time, and exploration.  We came to the conclusion that dating would be a distraction from that.  I'm sure you are wondering where the compromise is.  Here is the little loophole of which my children are fully aware:  IF one of our teenagers makes a friend of the opposite gender with whom they feel they have a possible future and they feel that person is worth "breaking the rules", they will show the maturity to handle a relationship by approaching us respectfully.  I expect that conversation to include a plan for how they will hold themselves accountable to keep the relationship pure and avoid temptations.

The second part of that loophole is that you will be PROUD of the person with whom you want to pursue a relationship.  I expect to meet the person.  I expect them to be around us a lot.  I expect complete transparency.

     If they are showing any signs that they are not mature enough or their character is not ready for a relationship, the answer will be no, without hesitation.  If they sneak to watch a movie or download an app or listen to music that we don't allow, they've proven they are willing to deceive us.  If they have a habit of lying, they've proven their character isn't ready for dating.  If they can't follow a curfew, they've proven they aren't responsible or they feel the rules don't apply to them.  If they can't handle their family obligations of chores and school work, I'm not going to allow the distraction of a relationship. If they seem to be too focused on finding SOMEONE to date, that is a big warning sign that they are not seeking their identity in Christ and they are hoping the relationship will fill a void that is only intended to be filled by God. These are all reasons for me to say no.  Boundaries create security.  My children feel cherished because we protect them.  They know that we protect what we love.  My children know that I think highly of them, therefore my expectations are high.  I don't care if they are star athletes, famous musicians or actors, or straight "A" students.  I do, however expect them to have a good character.  Until they show signs of that, they aren't ready to have access to someone's heart.  Period.  In the meantime, we are doing our best to grow 4 gentleman and one lovely lady.  I pray they will not be nonchalant when it comes to relationships, but will take them very seriously.
    I do know my children are very human and very much sinners in need of a Savior.  I cannot guarantee they will make all of the best decisions.  What I do know is that I have equipped them to make the best decisions and I've equipped them to choose righteousness and wisdom.  If they choose a different path, it won't be because I didn't teach them those things.  I pray that when and if they do fall, they fall into grace.  We NEVER forget to teach about grace and mercy.  God offers it and so do we. I've taught them a lot about grace.  They know they need it and they know I do as well.  They know it is freely available to them.

The Results Thus Far

     So far, this has been a very easy approach.  Because we began at a very young age sharing where we stand on this, our children were not caught off guard.  We were very open about our reasoning.  They know that we want the most carefree and fun childhood possible for them.  Youth is tough enough without adding the drama of dating into the mix.  They know our decisions come fully from a place of love for them.  They know they have a voice in this if they feel they are ready to date someone.  I do know a few precious couples that were high school sweethearts.  I know that isn't impossible. 
     I was directing a youth play one time and a cast member came up and said, "Hey!  I know your son!"   He went on to explain that my son was a leader in his middle school church small group.  He told me that the topic of dating came up in the group.  He shared with me that my son asked him why he was dating when he was only in middle school.  He said that my boy told him that he could avoid a lot of drama if he waited to date.  That told me that this approach was no longer Mom and Dad enforced, but my son had adopted it as his own philosophy. 
     Another night at our church, one of my sons was approached by a group of young men.  They asked him why he never has a girlfriend.  He told them he didn't have time for one and hadn't found someone he was interested in enough to consider dating them.  This shocked those young men.  I love that my children are speaking about this to their peers.  They aren't embarrassed about this philosophy, but proud of it.  They see the stress and drama dating has brought into the lives of their friends and seem relieved to not have to deal with it.  They also know that they are different.  I've encouraged them to get used to being set apart, and occasionally standing alone.  That is part of being a Christ follower. 
    To summarize, the answer to the question, "So.....do you guys practice courting, or what?" is yes?  Not completely?  Kind of?  We allow our kids to have a voice in the matter.  Our way of doing things has been mocked, brought on eye rolls, and created much laughter.  That's ok.  I'm not asking anyone to do things like me.  I'm just here to say that this is one part of youth stress that we have successfully avoided so far.  This is a burden they are released from before it even becomes an interest.  I like seeing kids be kids.  Hopefully, this will help them to understand the responsibility that is involved with matters of the heart.
    

I Hope She Likes Polka Dots

     Today, at 10:42 AM, my oldest turned 17.  This marks his last childhood birthday.  A year from now, I will be staring at an adult.  Many years ago, when my boy was still in elementary school, David and I discussed our philosophy on dating.  We came to a conclusion on how we would raise our children.  I will share the reasoning behind that in a future post, for those who are interested.  The very shortened version of that post is that our children may not date until they are 18.  18 means they are considered an adult.  18 means they are considered eligible for marriage.  For many, many reasons, we decided that dating was an unnecessary part of youth.    
     The point of this post is that I started a new journey today that I'm excited about!  I wrote my first entry in this very girly polka dotted journal:

     As you can see, I even used my favorite brand of pen, because it is one of the only ones that allow me to give the false impression that I have good penmanship.  :) 

     This journal will be written in everyday over the next year.  This journal will be loaded with thoughts, prayers and memories for my precious future daughter in law, whomever she may be. I'm praying for this girl RIGHT NOW!  She will get this journal on her wedding day.  I have always wanted to do this, but having 5 children, I didn't want to feel pressured to fill out 5 journals at once.  That is why I decided that I'd spend the year before my children are "marriage eligible" praying for their future spouse.  I don't know if she'll be his age, from the same town, state, or even country as him.  I don't know if I'll be giving this to someone in a few years or a decade.  However, I am praying for her now. 

     Marriage is not easy.  It is a tough commitment, but the hard times are nothing compared to the blessings.  I pray I am one of those blessings to her.  I pray our relationship will bless her. 

     I will do this for every one of my children, although the journal for my future son-in-law probably won't be pink and polka dotted.  I'll probably ramble on less and get to the point quicker.  I'll cross that bridge when I get to it....in 7 1/2 years.  For now, I'm praying for you, future DIL...whomever and wherever you are.

The Day I was Fired

          Though it was several years ago, I remember the day I was fired so clearly.  It was a Sunday morning, and my husband had been scheduled to work.  I had spent the morning trying to get all five kids and myself ready for church.  We scrambled into the minivan in the usual way.  One child was barefoot, shoes in hand; one child was eating breakfast and leaving a pile of crumbs on their wrinkled button up, one child was brushing their tangled hair, and everyone was very, very grouchy.  As we were exiting the van, one of the little blessings said something quite disrespectful.  I don't remember what they said, I just remember what happened afterward.  I had a  child's backpack on one arm, purse and Bible on the other.  I had the chain of my littlest ones attached to my hand, and my heels were making clippety-clop noises on the sidewalk. I was scolding the child who had been disrespectful and telling them we would deal with the disrespect when we got home.  At this point we had reached the entrance to the church and someone said, "Hi Leigh!"  My tone changed from scolding parent to beaming ray of sunshine.  I replied, "Good morning!"  This caught the attention of the scolded one.  Not wanting to give up their lovely mood, the child reacted to what the he or she had just witnessed, "You sure talk differently to people when we are walking into the church." 
      Voices began to echo in my head.  One was of Mommy Shame.  "The child is right."  "You are so fake."  "All the other moms have it together."  I had spent so many years listening to Mommy Shame and identifying with the condemnation she spoke.  However, that particular morning something changed.  Another voice grew louder than shame.  I turned to my child and said, "I am not scolding these people we meet at church.  I'm scolding you.  That is why my tone changed." 
      After church we began discussing this interaction.  The child pointed out how embarrassed they are when I scold them in public.  That is when I was fired.  I fired myself.  I told the child I was sorry I had set up a system that was unhealthy.  Somewhere along the way I had given myself so much responsibility that should have been theirs.  I said, "I am not responsible for keeping you from being scolded in public.  That is your responsibility.  While we are discussing this, let me explain everything else for which I will no longer carry the responsibility. I am not the protector of your social life.  If you get grounded from important events, you did that.  Not me.  I am no longer the protector of your reputation.  If you are messing up and making bad choices, that does not reflect on me.  It is your responsibility to own it, clean it up and handle the consequences.  Not mine.  I will always, ALWAYS be a soft place to fall.  I will always love you with a tremendous love.  I will always be your biggest fan.  I will always be a safe place for you to share your successes and failures, but I am firing myself from tiptoeing around parenthood.  If I am put into a place where you have to be given consequences, please remember it is not something I did to you, but rather something you chose."
     Just the other day, one of my other blessings was acting up while we were putting up the Christmas tree.  I had to send them to their room for a while.  This child said, "Are you going to make me miss Christmas traditions?"  That would've given me the worst guilt trip in the past.  However, now I have new eyes to see a better way to prepare my kids for adulthood.  I replied, "No.  I'm not going to make you miss Christmas traditions.  If you miss them because of your choices, YOU made yourself miss Christmas traditions." 
     Often, when I am giving one of my children a warning, I will now say to them some wise words a friend of mine shared with me, "You can make a good choice or a bad choice.  If you choose consequences, you do it knowing full well what to expect.  If that is what you choose, it is not something that was done to you, but something you did to yourself."
     I have been amazed at how freeing this has been for both me and my children.  I am no longer wrestling with Mommy Shame or any other voice of guilt.  My children receive full ownership of their choices.  They get full credit for their mistakes, but also full credit for their victories.  When I was parenting from guilt, I was creating an atmosphere where my children and I both gave me too much control.  It created bitterness in both parties.  If my kids knew they were misbehaving, but I allowed them to attend an event anyway because I didn't want them to miss out, they would go knowing they hadn't earned it.  Home didn't feel as safe, because there was no boundary.   I'm so thankful that I fired myself from a job that was never really mine. 

Blog Name Change

     I haven't written in a very long time.  During this break, my perspective has changed.  First of all, I began this blog many years ago to have a space to share the things that were on my heart.  I didn't really know who the "audience" would be, nor did I know if there would be one.  I was ok if people read and enjoyed the blog and ok if no one ever saw it.  I'm still in that same place.  I love, love, love to write and would like a place that my children can visit for years to come to get a glimpse of my thoughts.  I suppose that is the reason for the name change.  I want this to be a journal.  I don't want it to be a place with any agenda.  I'm still ok if a ton of people read it, or no one does. 

     Years ago, when starting this blog, I had just experienced a new level of healing with God.  I had allowed Him to touch on some deep wounds that I had never given over to Him in the past.  I wanted to tell the world about God's mercy and love!  I wanted to share this testimony in a safe place that belonged to me.  All of those are wonderful things, but it put me in a strange place emotionally.  I noticed that I had started identifying myself as a woman who was post-abortive.  That was my deepest hurt and God had released me from it.  I cannot even find the words to share the level of gratitude I felt for the way God had released me from the shackles of my past.  Although I do still feel that way, I have also had to learn that I am NOT identified as a post-abortive woman.  Abortion is a choice I made at a time I did not know the Lord.  My identity is found in Christ and Christ alone.  As far as this blog goes, I realized I had stopped limiting the things I shared to my healing journey.  I started sharing whatever was on my heart.  I want to keep doing that without there being one focus.

     In the past, I named the blog "Digging in the Dirt" because of a poem God placed on my heart after I had gone through post-abortive recovery.  That poem is still on this blog and I am still amazed at how God will dig through the dirt in our lives to redeem every part of our past.  NOTHING given to God will go unused (Romans 8:28).

     One of the additional advantages of the name change of the blog is that people will no longer think it is a blog about gardening.   People who turn to me with advice for gardening will quickly be disappointed.  My garden is where plants go to die.  I've accepted it.  My garden is now full of some beautiful broken pottery that my friend gave me.  I love broken pottery because it reminds me of the story of the woman with the alabaster jar.  She laid everything at the feet of Jesus.  When I decided to lay my brokenness at the feet of Jesus, I experienced so much freedom.  I realized that trusting Him with ALL of my past was an offering--even the broken parts.  God has been faithful to make me a new creation.  However, this new creation still has no green thumb and I'm ok with that.

     If you are reading this, I do hope you will enjoy the new angle of this blog.  More than that, I pray that it is a place my children can look at in years to come and know my heart, my dreams for them, my love for them, and the ups and downs of my walk with God.  More than anything else, I pray that I glorify God with the meditations of my heart.  I'm a busy homeschool mom of five who loves to fill my calendar with ministry opportunities, things my kids are doing, and theatre...lots of theatre.  I have to force my Martha self to stop and be sit at His feet and be a Mary.  I cherish those moments and some of them, I'd love to share.

Thanks for stopping by!

Leigh