I sent e-mail letters out during this time. It was very theraputic to me. This is where my new-found love of writing all began. I left them un-edited. Please enjoy learning about my little sunshine, which is what I call him now.
Below are the letters:
Letter 1:
Some of you have asked me for an update on Elijah. I haven't been too good at this since I just haven't felt like spending time on the computer. I decided I should go ahead and sit down and type this out for everyone, though.
Elijah Beau Ramsey is still in NICU and will be there for a while longer. He was doing well until Tuesday morning when we got a call at 4:30 AM. We knew that when the caller ID said "Women and Children's" which is the name of the hospital, it couldn't be good news. We were told that Elijah had had a rough night where his O2 and Blood pressure had gotten out of control again. They worked on him for 3-4 hours to get him stable again and were able to do so, but we were back at square one and he was in critical condition. That day, as you can imagine, was very grim. I truly didn't know how to feel. Thankful, sad, scared, nervous, sick??? All of the above?
David picked me up to go to the hospital. The ride there was intense. David was sick to his stomach and his chest was having pains. I was realizing for the first time how deeply this was crushing David. I knew how I felt, but didn't realize how much David was holding back--more than likely for my sake. The song "Blessed Be Your Name" came to mind. The part that says "Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be your name. Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise. And when the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord........" I have a very blessed life. I have a husband that I am so in love with and who is my very best friend. I have some AMAZING children that impress me daily with their strength, spirit, faith, etc...I have a God that saved me from darkness and is holding my precious baby boy when I cannot.
We arrived at the hospital and received many hopeful and joyful smiles. Elijah has recovered from the set back amazingly! We still have a long road ahead, but we do see a light at the end of the tunnel. He has many blood pressure meds to wean off of and he was put on an oscilator which is, I guess, a step up from a ventilator. He has to wean back off of the oscilator and back to the ventilator, then off of the ventilator. The oscilator makes him swell a little more everyday, so right now he looks like a little sumo wrestler. In spite of the swelling yesterday, I did receive and amazing gift. The nurse took off his blind fold and within a few minutes he opened his eyes. They are very dark right now because they have been covered. I knelt in very closely to talk to him, trying not to let my tears of love and joy land on him. I told him I couldn't wait to bring him home and that I loved him very much.
Letter 2:
Let me begin by thanking all of you for your prayers. They are working! I have had so many people say that they are praying, their families are praying and their churches are praying. I am in awe at how our Christian brothers and sisters have come together for the sake of our little blessing. People that we don't even know--people in other countries--like minded, united, praying for a common cause! How amazing and what a precious gift you have all given us! I will forever be touched by this great blessing.
Elijah no longer has the pulminary hypertension. It is cured--Praise God! He has weaned off of all meds that had anything to do with that disease, except the steroids, and that is only because you have to wean steroids so slowly. He is off of the oscilator and on a ventilator. They are slowly weaning him off of the oxygen. Last time we were updated he was down from 100% oxygen to 90%. They are weaning him off of sedation as well. This is good because we have really never seen him without it. They said he is strong willed. Thank you, God that he is strong-willed!!! He is going on a drug called 'lasix' (which I probably spelled wrong) to get rid of his swelling. The oscilator made him swell a lot in the chest and head, and I do mean a lot!!! We've called him our little sumo wrestler. His legs are so tiny, though and they warned us that
he will look very skinny pretty soon.
We still have a long road ahead, but it no longer seems endless. He has to wean to 60% oxygen so they can then wean him from the Nitric or Nitrous Oxide (I don't know which it is or how to spell it). He then has to be taken off of the ventilator and onto the little oxygen machine where he will have tubes in his nose. He has to learn to drink from a bottle the milk I have been storing. I suppose he still has to show that he can
maintain body temp and gain weight.
As far as prayer goes, all of the things mentioned above need prayer (obviously). David is still trying to juggle all of the hats he wears. He needs help with that. He is on vacation this week and that should help. He really needs a break. His work schedule also needs to work out so he can be around when our baby comes home. We'll have to cross that bridge when we get there. Best case scenario would be that Elijah comes home this week while David is on vacation. The chances of that are very small as they have told us it will be 1 1/2 to 2 weeks if NOTHING goes wrong. I also know that all things are possible with God, so I am not pretending that it is IMPOSSIBLE that he will be home this week, but if he is not then I just have to trust God will work out the details there as well. Pray for Will, Garrett, Ben and Daleigh as they struggle to understand why baby brother isn't home and also try to deal with the crazy schedule and with the stress and tension that sometimes pops up during the day. Pray that we can hold our baby boy soon. Pray that God will be glorified.
Most of the time we are fine, resting in that God-given peace that surpasses all understanding. Sometimes tension and tears come without warning and we have to sit back and just breathe. I catch myself telling God, 'I know he's yours, Lord, but he grew in my body and I am in love with him. I want my baby.' So, is it 'okay' that all of this is happening? 'Okay'??? No, not really...but as God is holding Elijah, he is holding the rest of this family as well and that is where we find our comfort.
Letter 3:
If I can contain myself long enough to sit and write this, I will give you all the latest. Yesterday was a very eventful day for our little guy. He got down to 60% on the O2 which is what was needed to wean him off of the Nitric Oxide. He began weaning off of that machine early yesterday and is now off of it. Now they will continue weaning the O2. Last update he was at 56%. He will wean down to 21% or maybe even a little higher and they will then take him down to the machine that is just tubes in his nose--not down his
throat. We may actually get to hear his little voice soon! Things are moving soooo quickly and I am overcome with emotion as I am finally allowing myself to enjoy the reality that he will soon be in my arms--and my home.
Last night David and I were able to go to the hospital together for the first time in a few days, (we've been taking turns while one waits in the van with the kids--they've seen many movies in the van lately). We were able to give Elijah a "spit bath". He silently cried the whole time! It was soooo sad to see him crying so hard but not hear a thing. The tubes go past his vocal chords so he will stay silent until he has weaned off of the ventilator. I have to admit it was a little nice to see him acting like a baby, though. He is not nearly as sedated as he has been. When he calmed down he just stared at his daddy. It was such a precious moment and I was kicking myself for not bringing the camera. It's not every day that you get to witness that kind of bonding--father and son just staring at each other as if no one else were in the room.
We then helped change his bedding while the nurse coached and supervised. David got to lift his son for the first time while the nurse and I quickly removed the old linens and replaced them with fresh ones. It's not quite the same as holding him next to our body. Is there any better feeling than holding a newborn on your chest? But it is SOMETHING and it is more than we've had.
I don't deserve these blessings that God is offering. I don't read my Bible as often as I should, I don't pray as often as I should, sometimes I get jealous, sometimes I gossip, sometimes I'm not very nice--just to confess a few. I fall very short of resembling Christ the way I am supposed to. Yet, isn't that the whole story of the Bible? While we were still sinners God sent Christ--his PERFECT son to die for us. That is the greatest gift. The extra blessings? Children, health, a loving spouse, a home, a car, laughter, friends, and just simply peace and joy--they are just, as we say in the south--just gravy. The extra stuff that makes life a little richer. Life in abundance, that's what Christ came to offer.
Here is wishing all of you prayer warriors a life in abundance. Thank you again for the gift you have given our family.
Letter 4:
Well, it's been a crazy couple of days here in Louisiana. Yesterday we went to the hospital to visit our little tough guy. Dr Bossano was there doing his rounds and decided to try extubating Elijah. I wanted to be there for him during this time because I knew it would be painful for him. I told David to leave me in Lake Charles and get the boys from school in Sulphur, then come back and pick me up. David left and I went up to the NICU to wait by my baby's side for this very important event. Elijah woke up when I got there and stared at me with big eyes that are cloudy and yellow from being blindfolded and from jaundice. (He is being treated with a Bili-light for jaundice right now). It was a beautiful moment since he was under no sedation and was more alert than I had ever seen him. I got to study him, look into his eyes, try to catch a glimpse of this amazing soul that had overcome so much in just 12 short days. I could've stood there forever looking at him. He's just beautiful.
The swelling that he had gotten from the oscilator is steadily going away. The nurse and I guess that he had gotten up to 10 or 11 lbs when he was on it. He was 8lbs 15oz yesterday and 8 lbs 4 oz today. They want him to get down into the 7's since he was just 7lbs at birth. He is soooo skinny. He is well-nourished, but you can tell that the IV nourishment doesn't offer the same thing as actual milk.
Back to the story...much to my dissappointment (but not to my surprise), the nurse asked me to leave the room while they extubated. I stepped out for about 10-15 minutes and waited very impatiently. The tiny hole that allows the string to run through the blinds that cover the NICU window offered a small opportunity for me to peek in on the action. I'm ashamed to admit that when I thought no one was looking I tried to see how things were going. I really couldn't see much at all.
After this agonizing wait, I was told I could come into the room for just a second to hear his sad cry. It was shift change time where they discuss the babies, and visitors are not allowed during this time. I went in to see him. He was bright red with anger and had a tiny little cry coming out of his sore throat. It broke my heart. The nurse then scooted me out the door and told me I could return in about 40 minutes.
I went outside to spend some quiet time while waiting for David to return. When he arrived I took Will up to see his baby brother without the tube. We got upstairs to the lobby and I called to see if we could come visit our baby. The nurse told me to wait a little while. A little while became a long while and I began to get concerned. After some time I was told I could come in, but I could not touch him or talk to him--here we go again! He was VERY upset and wasn't calming down enough for them to see if he was handling the new machine well (I think they calledd it a "cannon" which is where the oxygen is delivered through a tube in his nose). We went in and looked at our poor tiny precious boy. All we could see was the back of his head. They had turned him onto his tummy. We left very dissappointed that he wasn't handling things well. Later that night we learned that he had to be re-intubated. He was just struggling too much and the nurses didn't see the point in putting him through that--I had to agree.
So, here we are at a stand-still, at least that is how it seems. I know that there is unseen growth happening inside his little chest, but we are just having a hard time playing the waiting game. I thought he'd be home by this weekend. It looks like it will be longer now. I don't want him to come home too early and get sick, but I have to admit that I'm tired of looking at the empty bouncy seat and car seat.
Through all of this I have told you all how God has given us peace and carried us through. I have to add that, looking back, I realize He has done this in such a deeper way than I even realized. There was a time when I was told that Elijah may not make it....there was another time that I was told he was in critical condition. These moments brought many tears and anxiety. I remember the ride over to the hospital the day after Elijah had to be put on the oscilator. David and I actually questioned how we would survive if we lost this little innocent baby. We determined that we were possibly headed for devistation unlike any we had ever known, we determined we would not understand, but we also determined that there were 4 other little ones that needed their parents. We also decided we would praise God in spite of our devistation, in spite of our confusion. I feel that our peace has come from that decision. Our ability to continue to enjoy each other and laugh with our children has come from a choice. A God-given peace and joy that can only be understood when it is experienced. So here comes the hard part--sharing that message.
The hospital has a social worker that is required to 'interview' the parents to make sure they can handle taking home these sick babies. Yesterday she asked me a question in which I had to make a choice yet again--give God the glory, or keep this 'secret' of peace to myself. She asked me where Elijah got his strength. She said I was obviously strong and it must come from me. Me? Strong? She hasn't seen my moments of saddness, my break-downs. So now I had a decision to make. Here is a lady that is determining how I am handling life 'mentally' by the responses I am giving her. I have been sharing all of these praises with people who, for the most part, I know are like-minded Christians. The challenge is, do I share it with a complete stranger whose job is to determine my sanity? Well, I decided that I had trusted God with my tiny
son's life, I should trust Him with this tiny detail as well. Therefore, I took a deep breath and told her about all of you. I told her about the amazing chain of prayers that have been sent up for my baby. I told her about God and about His power and love. I'm ashamed that I even hesitated. I don't know how she took it, but she didn't tell me I was an idiot, she didn't laugh. I have spent years now surrounding myself and my children with Christians. Although I think that is good, I also want to SEEK those that don't know about this joy and peace. I no longer want to hesitate when I have an opportunity to share this message. Shame on me! I should be shouting it in the streets! He saved my son! He saved my soul! He loves me--even when I'm not very lovable! Dear God, show me those that don't know this love. Who am I to keep this to myself? It was a gift meant for all.
Letter 5:
Good Morning friends and family, I am so excited to send you the latest update on our little man. This weekend Elijah's central line was removed which is basically an IV that was placed in his umbilical cord. His arterial line was removed as well and he was given a regular IV in his foot. He weaned down to 21% Oxygen which is room air (what you and I breathe). He is only on the machine for pressure. He has weaned down from 5 liters of pressure to 2 1/2 as of this morning. He is learning to drink from a bottle. At first he was only able to handle about 1/4 of the bottle (1/2 an ounce) before he got exhausted and had to get the rest through his feeding tube. Last night they tell me he was able to take the whole 2 ounces by bottle, though! That is very exciting! His breathing is still a little fast which wears him out quickly. His breathing HAS to slow down before they will finish weaning him. He is getting enough nutrition through his bottle and feeding tube to sustain him, though. His IV fell out of his foot yesterday and they didn't see a reason to replace it! The only wires and tubes left on our little guy are the nose tube, the feeding tube, and the various monitors. He weighs about 8lbs 1oz. He received a blood transfusion Sunday because he was anemic. He looks much better now! Thank you to all of you who donate blood!
Thank you all for the help through prayers, well wishes and support that has helped us get through all of this. I fully believe God was glorified by all of the prayers and placed His healing hand on our boy. I also believe Elijah will be home within a week.
Yesterday I received such a gift. I got to hold my precious baby for the first time. I've waited 2 1/2 weeks to feel his tiny body next to mine. I just sat back and concentrated on feeling his heart beat, his tiny breaths, his every move. I could not contain my tears of joy! I knew I longed to hold him, but the release I felt when it actually happened was stronger than I ever could've imagined. I cried and cried and then I sobbed! Dr Bossano came by and said 'What's the matter? He's doing good.' I assured him they were tears of joy! Good tears that felt wonderful to release.
Last night I got to feed him a bottle. Garrett went with me. Elijah got about 15 cc's down and I had to burp him. Garrett liked it when I burped Elijah because his eyes popped open sooo wide. It was very cute. The scary part was that it made his monitor register badly and showed that he was only getting around 40% oxygen which set off the machine's alarm. I didn't like that, but once I finished burping him the numbers quickly returned to normal. After another 15 cc's of milk and another round of burping he was just too tired to continue. That's when the nurse returned him to his bed and fed him the rest by tube. We are praying his energy level increases rapidly so he can tolerate full feedings.
All day yesterday I sang the song 'Held' by Natalie Grant in my head. This song made me cry BEFORE all of this happened, now it will forever have an even deeper meaning for me. You all know that I prayed for God to hold Elijah when I couldn't. I also could feel His loving arms around my family throughout this whole process. Now I know what it means to be held. The song talks about being 'held' through trials and even specifically mentions losing a child. It is sometimes hard to understanding suffering as a Christian. 'Why, God?' But I personally don't belive God DID THIS to our family. I do belive He allowed it. God never promised that we wouldn't suffer, as a matter of fact He warns of times of suffering. But, as the song says, 'This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life...and you survive. This is what it means to be loved, and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.'
I was given the gift of literally SEEING the physical reaction to being held. When my son was placed in my arms his breathing slowed, his heart rate calmed down, and he had no look of distress on his face. He was at complete peace! I could see it in his body language and on the monitors. That is how I have felt through most of this process. Granted, I've had moments of turmoil, saddness, fear, but for the most part I have simply felt 'held'.
I pray this for each of you. In your times of sorrow, pain or turmoil you will simply close your eyes, climb into your Heavenly Father's lap and let Him wrap His arms around you and love you with the most perfect love you can find. I thank God that He gave me this opportunity to learn more about His love, His character, His sovereignty. I thank God for Elijah and for the plans He has for our baby boy. I thank God for my husband, children, mother, family, friends, and people I don't even personally know who have carried this family through this trial. I understand more fully the verse that says to count all of your trials joy.
James 1:2
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
During our trips to the hospital our children have been watching many movies in our van. Many times they have watched Bible Man. I don't know the name of the particular episode I'm referring to, but the character 'Misery' is trying to steal joy from the earth. I have learned to appreciate one of the lines from Bible Man so much. He says that it is impossible for a Christian's joy to be stolen because it is one of the fruits of the spirit. A gift given and promised by God. I think we all have this gift when we accept Christ, sometimes we just choose not to recognize it. I have often ignored my spirit and therefore, ignored my joy, (like when I first moved to this new town--I chose misery). I don't want to make that mistake again. As I said...it is a free gift from God! He loves me and wants me to rest in that joy. Why would I ignore it?
Letter 6:
I gotta keep this quick since I am busy playing with Daleigh and Ben and cleaning the house in hopes that we will hear we're bringing home our little guy soon, but I wanted to give you all the latest update. I called the hospital and Elijah is completely off of oxygen! He is in a regular crib, not one with a heating lamp. He is drinking 3 oz from a bottle every 3 hours and I am suppose to try and nurse him today! Can you hear my excitement in my typing? :) Remember the things that had to happen for him to come home? He had to wean all the way off of oxygen, the had to learn to eat from a bottle, and he had to maintain body temperature. He also had to gain weight that was not fluid. He started out at 7 lbs at birth and lost back down to 7 lbs 4 oz after losing all of the fluid. He is now about 8 lbs. He is only on monitors--no tubes! He is maintaining his body temperature well, and obviously eating well.
All of your prayers have gotten this little guy so far so quickly! He was 3 weeks old yesterday. We haven't heard anyone saying when he can come home, so I don't know how long they intend to observe him before they feel comfortable with him being home. We will keep you all updated and send out pictures of him in our home, in our arms, and in some fun and cute baby boy clothes! (He's never worn any!)
I thank God for you all. I praise His name for the unity we have all had in this one cause for this precious boy of mine! What a gift you have all given to our family. It is amazing what God can do when Christians come together for a specific cause. I will never forget this when I know of a prayer request or when God calls me out for a purpose. You all moved a mountain in my life because of your faith. I have often denied myself the power that prayer holds--and denied others by not praying for them as often as I should! I am forever changed because of the example you have all been to me. My prayer life left much to be desired. I always knew it could be better. Thank you all for showing me the peace, love, joy, and pure power that prayer holds. I always knew it, but now I have experienced it. I am not just talking about Elijah's miraculous recovery either. I was already forever changed just by the joy and peace we've had throughout this. I know I often talk about those 2 words, but we experienced it so deeply during all of this. Amazing!!! Whoever was out there praying not only for Elijah, but also for us--Thank you!
Letter 7:
We are pleased to bring you the latest update on Elijah Beau. And why do I say "we"? Well, this is because sitting next to me in a little blue bouncy seat is a handsome 8 lb blessing who was carried through the front door of his new home around lunch time yesterday, on his sister's 2nd birthday!
I got the call Friday where the doctor said he could come home Saturday or Sunday. I called my mom and just began bawling. It felt like a big exhale after holding my breath for 3 1/2 weeks. I just needed to cry! Mom said "Those are tears of joy, right?" I assured her that they were. I spent Saturday morning driving back and forth to the hospital to feed him. On one of the visits the nurse said that they had decided I could spend Saturday night in the hospital with him where he would be in my complete care and then I could bring him home on Sunday.
Saturday night was wonderful. After reviewing infant CPR with the nurse, she set up Elijah's monitor and then brought him into the room. The rest of the family came to see us soon afterwards. Everyone wanted their turn at holding Eiljah. Daleigh only got jealous of her daddy holding Elijah once. Every other time she was just fine.
The family left and it was just Elijah and I. I spent the next SEVERAL hours watching his monitor with concern. His breathing was too fast and his oxygen saturation was too low for how fast he was breathing (at least in my nervous opinion). I called the NICU nurse into the room and she told me in a very sweet way that he was okay and I needed to go to sleep and quit watching the monitor.
Sunday morning was spent signing papers, adjusting his car seat to fit his little body just right, and packing him up. The nurse came in, removed all of his monitors, and told us we could finally take him home--attached to nothing!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!
It was fun on the ride home to look back and see that every seat in our van was occupied by a precious child! I have never felt so blessed. We got home and unloaded our crew. When Elijah was brought out I saw the young girl across the street dash into her house to tell her mom, whom I have begun forming a good friendship with, that he was finally home. It was nice to see others sharing in our excitement. We brought him into the house and I just sat and stared at him. I didn't know what to do with all of the calm I felt in the house--everything has been so dramatic lately! It was silly how uncomfortable the calm was, but believe me, we'll gladly adjust to it quickly!
I did decide it was time to add some excitement to our day by startng Daleigh's birthday celebration. We enjoyed a not-so-quiet family celebration with Dora the Explorer party hats, Strawberry Shortcake cupcakes, and several gifts wrapped in princess paper. What a way to spend a first day home! Elijah has really made quite an entrance into this world! He even knew what day to come home. He got to be a birthday gift.
Last night I began adjusting to waking up every few hours to feed my little guy. I don't mind one bit! David actually wakes up every time he moves, so he knows that Elijah is hungry before I do! I don't know if this one will ever have to cry with all of the care givers in this home. Even as I type this Ben and Daleigh are checking on him. Daleigh crouches down and says in her highest pitched voice "Wanna get up baby Delijah?" (I love the way she says his name). Ben is "petting" him. They just love him so much already! Daleigh looks HUGE now that I see her next to her baby brother.
Elijah has to go to the cardiologist May 5th and he has an eye exam in the NICU May 9th. The nurse said this eye exam is given to preemies because they sometimes have eye problems that can be fixed if caught early enough--before leading to vision loss. We still are unsure if Elijah was a "preemie" or if sometime during the pregnancy something stunted his growth. The doctors are scratching their heads on this one. All we know is that David and I don't have 7 lb babies--our babies are much bigger, and we also know that his lungs were premature. All tests and calculations indicated that I was 38 1/2 weeks pregnant, though.
Please keep the other babies in the NICU in your prayers. That particular NICU stays very busy. There were 8 babies when Elijah left. 2 of them were on oscillators, which is what Elijah was on. My heart goes out to these moms because your baby just looks so huge and miserable when they swell up on this machine. I also would like to mention another family. I can't recall the mom's name, but she has at least another month to wait before she gets to bring her baby home. After talking to her I learned that her little guy was born on April 3rd, just like our Elijah, and his name is Eli! That is why I can't remember her name. She bacame Eli's mom in my memory. Anyway, he barely weighs 2 lbs and has a long road ahead. She asked that I pray for him. I jumped at the opportunity and told her that is how we made it through.
Well, all I have to say is that God is good. I have to assure you all that God was already good before all of this! God was good before I had children. God was good before I met my precious husband. God was good when He created this world. God was good when He considered everything that would have to work out just right in order for this life to even function--from the placement of the planets to the functioning of the human body--and everything else in between. God was good when He gave us guidelines through His Holy Bible on how to become closer to Him--on how to have an abundant life. And, of course, God was good when He sent his son to pay for my sins so I could live a life full of hope no matter what the circumstances. It didn't take the miracle of Elijah or any of my children for me to know and to exclaim that God is good! I just know that God is better than us humans can even comprehend. He offers a love that is deeper than humans can even fathom. And He has blessings available to EVERY person who is willing to accept them. More blessings than we even know to ask for. No, it didn't take this trial for me to know these things about God, but it is just more evidence of a God that is capable of giving comfort, peace, love, joy, rest and even miracles to those who seek Him. Thank you all for seeking Him.
Now I have to go, I've got a hungry baby to feed!
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