The Day I was Fired

          Though it was several years ago, I remember the day I was fired so clearly.  It was a Sunday morning, and my husband had been scheduled to work.  I had spent the morning trying to get all five kids and myself ready for church.  We scrambled into the minivan in the usual way.  One child was barefoot, shoes in hand; one child was eating breakfast and leaving a pile of crumbs on their wrinkled button up, one child was brushing their tangled hair, and everyone was very, very grouchy.  As we were exiting the van, one of the little blessings said something quite disrespectful.  I don't remember what they said, I just remember what happened afterward.  I had a  child's backpack on one arm, purse and Bible on the other.  I had the chain of my littlest ones attached to my hand, and my heels were making clippety-clop noises on the sidewalk. I was scolding the child who had been disrespectful and telling them we would deal with the disrespect when we got home.  At this point we had reached the entrance to the church and someone said, "Hi Leigh!"  My tone changed from scolding parent to beaming ray of sunshine.  I replied, "Good morning!"  This caught the attention of the scolded one.  Not wanting to give up their lovely mood, the child reacted to what the he or she had just witnessed, "You sure talk differently to people when we are walking into the church." 
      Voices began to echo in my head.  One was of Mommy Shame.  "The child is right."  "You are so fake."  "All the other moms have it together."  I had spent so many years listening to Mommy Shame and identifying with the condemnation she spoke.  However, that particular morning something changed.  Another voice grew louder than shame.  I turned to my child and said, "I am not scolding these people we meet at church.  I'm scolding you.  That is why my tone changed." 
      After church we began discussing this interaction.  The child pointed out how embarrassed they are when I scold them in public.  That is when I was fired.  I fired myself.  I told the child I was sorry I had set up a system that was unhealthy.  Somewhere along the way I had given myself so much responsibility that should have been theirs.  I said, "I am not responsible for keeping you from being scolded in public.  That is your responsibility.  While we are discussing this, let me explain everything else for which I will no longer carry the responsibility. I am not the protector of your social life.  If you get grounded from important events, you did that.  Not me.  I am no longer the protector of your reputation.  If you are messing up and making bad choices, that does not reflect on me.  It is your responsibility to own it, clean it up and handle the consequences.  Not mine.  I will always, ALWAYS be a soft place to fall.  I will always love you with a tremendous love.  I will always be your biggest fan.  I will always be a safe place for you to share your successes and failures, but I am firing myself from tiptoeing around parenthood.  If I am put into a place where you have to be given consequences, please remember it is not something I did to you, but rather something you chose."
     Just the other day, one of my other blessings was acting up while we were putting up the Christmas tree.  I had to send them to their room for a while.  This child said, "Are you going to make me miss Christmas traditions?"  That would've given me the worst guilt trip in the past.  However, now I have new eyes to see a better way to prepare my kids for adulthood.  I replied, "No.  I'm not going to make you miss Christmas traditions.  If you miss them because of your choices, YOU made yourself miss Christmas traditions." 
     Often, when I am giving one of my children a warning, I will now say to them some wise words a friend of mine shared with me, "You can make a good choice or a bad choice.  If you choose consequences, you do it knowing full well what to expect.  If that is what you choose, it is not something that was done to you, but something you did to yourself."
     I have been amazed at how freeing this has been for both me and my children.  I am no longer wrestling with Mommy Shame or any other voice of guilt.  My children receive full ownership of their choices.  They get full credit for their mistakes, but also full credit for their victories.  When I was parenting from guilt, I was creating an atmosphere where my children and I both gave me too much control.  It created bitterness in both parties.  If my kids knew they were misbehaving, but I allowed them to attend an event anyway because I didn't want them to miss out, they would go knowing they hadn't earned it.  Home didn't feel as safe, because there was no boundary.   I'm so thankful that I fired myself from a job that was never really mine.