For a Little While

     There was a tightness in my chest as my peripheral vision revealed the stuff of my nightmares.  Off in the distance, I could see a tall bridge.  I knew that bridge was a part of the interstate that goes through Jackson.  I've been on it before, but I was not the driver.  You see, I will drive 20 minutes out of the way to avoid bridges and even interstates.  What is funny is that I had just hung up the phone with my husband who had driven this road before.  I asked him all of the usual questions:  "Are there any bridges?  Any high twists and turns?  Any surprises?"   "What if I wind up on the interstate?"  I heard a very respectful, but faint giggle in his tone.  "You won't just wind up on the interstate.  You'd have to merge to get on the interstate."  

      "Oh.  You are right."

     That's the thing about fear and phobias.  They aren't real.  They aren't rational.  Still, I was quite literally trembling at the sight of that road in the sky, even though logic told me I wouldn't be going on it.  There were a few "hills" over which I had to drive.  Everything in me said, "Stop the car.  Turn around.  You don't know what is coming."  Still, there was a quiet, but confident voice that kept chanting, "Perfect love casts out fear."  "I did not give you a spirit of fear."  "Your children are watching you."  

     OUCH!  My kids.  Talk about hitting me where it hurts.  My children were talking and laughing and singing along with the radio.  They were clueless about what I was wrestling.  I wanted it to stay that way.  I've watched my kids observe my behavior in the past and suddenly have fears that didn't bother them until they saw my reaction.  I do not want to manifest fears in them.  They'll have their own battles in life.  They don't need mine.

     Therefore, I white-knuckled the steering wheel and allowed my attention to focus on the that still, small voice, because it was speaking truth!  I drove over each little hill, and each tiny bridge while keeping that high one in my left peripheral view.  To anyone else, this might be comical, but to me it was victory!  I have lived in Jackson nearly 8 years and have avoided driving on the interstate thus far.  That is so sad to me.  I don't want to continue enabling myself, but the thought of tackling the fear of the interstate, the fear of getting lost, the fear of not knowing what is next, the fear of surprise high bridges, the fear of aggressive drivers, or high speed wrecks is debilitating!

     I recently experienced a season of anxiety.  I awoke one evening around 3AM with a racing heartbeat.  I could not get it to slow down.  This began a very scary 3-4 month journey.  I thought something was terribly wrong with my health.  I began visiting doctors.  I made the awful mistake of googling symptoms.  I knew something was wrong, but grew frustrated when doctors would stamp a label of "anxiety" on my forehead.  I felt there was NO WAY this was "just anxiety".  I even visited a cardiologist and left with a wonderful report on my healthy heart...and tears of frustration.  I kept thinking, "I'm dying and no one knows the cause."  

     One night, I asked God to show me why I feel so stuck.  I closed my eyes and a picture of a giant dead tree came into my mind.  It had thick and strong roots, but produced not fruit.  The word fear had grown into the trunk of that dead tree.  I recognized how the roots of fear had invaded several areas of my life.  I went home and drew that tree so I'd have a visual.  I want that thing to get uprooted, pushed through the wood chipper, and burned.  I want beauty from those ashes!

     The reason I share this is because through this season, I learned that I am not alone.  I began to share with a couple of people and they'd share their own experience.  Therefore, I'd share with a few more and most shared their experience once again.  This pattern continued, and I realized that this is a very silent battle that many are fighting.  I'm thankful that I'm on the other side of it, but I recognize the symptoms now in case this season returns.  I went to a counselor and was diagnosed with PTSD and a mild case of OCD, and I recognized several phobias--one being bridges.  I did have to go through a season of taking medication, but was able to wean off of it quickly.  My hormones, brain, and body were in the middle of a storm!  I was crying out to Jesus to calm the storm, but for that season, I had to take a medication for additional support.  I am usually a granola girl, using whole food supplements, oils and diet to handle my struggles.  I still believe that is the first choice, but there are times when pharmaceuticals are necessary.  I personally did not have to stay on them.  Some people may need them as a constant help.  I also am released from counseling, but she is on call any time I need to go.  For that I am thankful.  I find no shame in mental health.  Mental, spiritual and emotional health are the causes of so many physical ailments, so why not get to the source?  

     I am so thankful for that season.  Sounds weird, huh?  However, I mean it sincerely!  So many people battle this!  So many moms battle this!  So many home school moms battle this!  You see, that is my heart.  I want to reach out to moms--especially home school moms and make sure each has a support group.  That is such a scary season. Never, ever, ever face it alone!!!  I had the best support group help me through that time.  

     I still have things I need to let God help me overcome.  I don't want to settle for less than He has to offer.  However, I do not feel shame for my trembling hands while I was driving over those tiny hills a few days ago.  God was there, talking me through it.  Never once did He tell me that if I was a better Christian I wouldn't be dealing with this.  He showed me that we are all battling something, but BECAUSE I'm a Christian, He will be talking through every mountaintop, valley and bridge until the fear either fades away or is wiped out in a split second by His love.

 My favorite verses during those days:  (my own emphasis has been added; red for instruction and purple for promises)

^{1 Peter 5:6} Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, ⁷ casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. ⁸ Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. ^9 [d]But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your ^[e]brethren who are in the world. ¹⁰ After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. ¹¹ To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.

^{Philippians 4:4} Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. ⁶ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is ^[e]lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, ^[f]dwell on these things. ⁹ The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.