God Wants the Ugly

I have cleaned up my blog for a fresh new start. The previous posts were written by a different me. I have spent the last 15 years working very hard to become the Christian that I have felt I should be. I have a whole new perspective now. What I have understood about God is that I had to present myself to him as clean as I could possibly get. I had to "prove" to Him how hard I was trying to measure up.

I spent years observing ladies in their walk with God. Many seemed so pulled together. I saw disciplined ladies with their house, children, quiet time, health, marriage, and activities all lined up in a neat, and pretty row. I knew myself better than that. It didn't matter how much effort I put into these areas of my life, I always seemed to fall short. I would involve myself in Bible studies that encouraged me with beautiful and true scriptures, yet would eventually fail at putting all the pieces of the puzzle together. I would work hard to get my quiet time on a strict schedule, my exercise squeezed in, my children on a morning devotional, my house straightened up. That is when I would have an argument with my husband that would last for days. Maybe another time I'd try and my marriage would be going along beautifully and my children would be learning about God, but my house was a mess. Needless to say, I never could get all my ducks in a row at the same time. One naughty little duck would always wonder out of line.

God laid a verse on my heart: Luke 10:27 He answered "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind. And love your neighbor as yourself". (italicization added)

I was involved in a Bible study when God first started speaking to me with this verse. The Bible study asked for the key word from this verse. The text book answer was "love". I heard God whispering something different to me. He said "all". This began a long journey that would lead me to the place where I am currently. I looked up the word "all" in the dictionary. The definition is: Used to indicate that the whole of an amount, area, quantity or thing that is involved or affected. All. God wants......everything?

I interpreted that the same as I always had: Work hard with EVERYTHING in you to let God SEE that you love him. I said "Okay, God". I worked. I fell short. How would God know that I love Him? How could he possibly look at me and know that I love him? Even if I had my life running like clockwork, I had this frustrating thing that we call a brain. My mind would wander off to feelings of frustration, bitterness, anger, jealousy and so many other unholy things. I just couldn't get it all together.

Praise God that He has it all covered in his Holy word. God showed me numerous people who fell very short of holiness (everyone but Jesus), that He used throughout the Bible to do his work. David. An adulterer, an murderer, a man after God's own heart. Moses. Murderer, doubter, in an intimate relationship with God. Paul. Murderer of Christians, missionary. The thing that God saw was their heart. They gave it all to God. They gave their past, present and future to God. They gave their pretty packages of the things they did right, tied up with neat little bows to God. They also gave him their mess. The nasty failures, the deep down struggles, the pain, the bitterness, the stuff that the enemy uses to hold people captive.

I needed to meet these Biblical characters to understand my own walk with God. I wanted to be used by him so desperately. God gave me this intense love of the stage. I love to sing, talk, act, and dance....just give me a stage. I wanted that to be used by God. He kept saying, "not yet". I would hear his voice ringing out again, "all". I said "okay". Then I would again start my quest to reach perfection. I would make schedules and to do lists. I would pencil in my quiet time so I wouldn't miss a beat. The process would begin with fireworks and would quickly fizzle out.

One day, God inspired me to start a book club so I could get to know some people in my new home town. The list of people who were interested grew quickly. This was very exciting. One particular lady joined the group. She didn't even attend my church. She was bringing some friends along with her. I felt honored that God would grow this group without much effort. Then I got a call that would change my life and my understanding with God immensely. The lady I mentioned above called to say that she wouldn't be attending. She said that she had started a ministry and had a few clients that had come together in need of the ministry. She would be busy bringing them through a Bible study and could not be distracted. Then she mentioned her ministry: Post-abortive recovery. I heard it again, "All".

I got off of the phone and sat down in my kitchen chair. "All". I heard it softly whispered to me. I replied, "but God....." Again, I heard, "All." I said, "God, I want to be used by you." "ALL", He said. I cried, "If people know who I used to be, I know you won't be able to use me." God said, "I won't be able to use you until you show what my mercy can bring you out of. I'm showing you what I mean by 'ALL'."

My husband was home the next day. I asked him to sit down and talk with me. I knew that if God wanted to use this, I didn't want to limit him. My precious husband of 10 years was then introduced to a part of my life I had kept hidden. In college, through my brokenness and my complete lack of a relationship with God, I chose to abort a pregnancy. I became a member of the Statistic Club. 43% of American women who choose to believe the lies that the enemy has whispered and shouted into this world. 43% who are hurting, many don't even realize it. 43% who leave the back door of a clinic and a chunk of their soul behind. 43% who are encouraged to never mention their choice because "they don't have to". 43% who need healing.

My husband is beautiful and that did not change with this new knowledge of me. He loved me. He adored me. He comforted me. He encouraged me.

I picked up the phone. I called the lady who started the ministry. "I want to help. I want to help because of my own experience in my youth. I want to help in your ministry."

The answer, "Great! You have to go through the Bible study first."  (I linked the Bible study, but I highly encourage anyone who needs this to find a way to do it in a group setting.  You NEED the experience of the support group.)

My thought, "Well, okay. I have asked for forgiveness, though. I'm forgiven. I'll go through the study if that is the requirement."

What God did over the next few months is phenomenal. He showed me a picture of my Savior dying on the cross. "This is forgiveness", He said. Then He revealed a picture of Jesus risen. He showed me the pure joy and freedom that was displayed when Jesus overcame death. "THIS is healing, this is life in abundance."

You see, what God was showing me is that Jesus could have stopped at the cross. The job was done, the debt paid. Jesus rose again to a new life, though. He didn't stop at the cross. Is it possible that there is something beyond forgiveness? Is it possible to walk in freedom and joy? Is it possible?

Yes. I am here to shout YES! I asked God if He could make this nasty, hurtful, ugly thing in my life into something of beauty. I didn't think it was possible. He answered "I can, it is called 'glory'".

I saw a picture of Moses. I saw him on the mountain begging God if he could just get a glimpse of His glory. God said He couldn't give him that, but then he instructed Moses to hide in the cleft of the rock. He covered Moses with his hand and simply walked past him. God allowed Moses to look at His back, as long as he didn't look at his face. Exodus 33:12-23. Wow! Intimacy. That was the key I was missing. God wants intimacy with me. He wants me. He wonders why I don't desire that back. I don't guess I ever felt worthy. The fact is, I'm not. The fact is that "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Consider the movie "Pretty Woman". That is the best earthly illustration I can think of. Here we have a woman who is considered to be the bottom of the barrel socially. She is grabbed out of that life while she is still involved in it. She is lavished with gifts. She is defended. She is made into someone new. She is romanced. She is loved.

I have learned to be romanced by God. Nothing else matters. My acknowledgement of the depth of his love is all that matters. What is amazing about God is that in return, he blesses me. He shows me my to-do list with the priorities in his order. The rest just simply doesn't matter. I do need to exercise, I do need to have a devotional with my children. I do need to organize my home. When I'm doing it all for God I have a renewed energy, though. I want to be healthy so I can have the energy to do his work. I want to do a devotional, not out of obligation, but to help my children know the Love of my life better, my precious Heavenly Father. I want to meet with Him each day, not because some book told me that I should do that if I want to be a good Christian, but because I desire that intimacy with him.

I don't want to insult any of these Christian books that help people get their act together. They certainly still have a place, and I absolutely know without a doubt that God led authors to write these books and Bible studies. I just know that it all seemed over-whelming until I understood truly WHY I was doing it. I am doing it because it is out of love. Love for God first and foremost. Yes, our life requires work. That is not first. Our romance with God is first. Out of that comes thankfulness, inspiration, energy. That is where you can't help but want to work for God.

I am spending this summer reorganizing. I'm so excited. I'm reorganizing my house and my schedule. I am excited for the first time in my life to do this. I want God to use me. I don't want to feel like I'm drowning in clutter or obligations. I have already spoken publicly twice about the healing that is available from our past choices--abortion in particular. I hope to continue. I don't want anyone to be shackled by the enemy with shame of their past. He's a liar. God never intended us to be bound like that.

Praise God for freedom! Praise God for life in abundance. I pray that as God digs in the dirt of my life...the ugly stuff, that He will find a few diamonds and grow a beautiful garden. That is why I renamed this blog.