I am a woman. I am so excited to say that with boldness! Had you asked me years ago how I felt about this label, I probably would've rolled my eyes, (a talent that many of my "type" come by so naturally). I have a new way of celebrating this thing that I am, though. I heal a little more everyday it seems. Let me begin by explaining this on-going journey.

I grew up in a home that consisted of 3 girls. I was the awkward one. The girl who was on a diet from the time I was a baby (literally). The one who was sick with Crohn's disease most of my childhood. I was the airhead, the kiss-up, and the one who could do nothing right. At least these were the lies that Satan used to stunt my growth that I carried with me into adulthood.

Through struggles in friendships and at home, 0ver time I began to despise everything about being female. Why do we get so jealous? Why must we never be satisfied? Why do we need the praise of others to determine our value? Why do we think we must be all things to all people? Why is it we can go through 20 outfits to find the perfect look, just to walk out the door unsatisfied with our hair? Why is everything a competition? Why do we have such attitudes? I went through most of my childhood and high school feeling lost, lonely and uncomfortable. I was such a girly-girl who hated most everything that came with being one.

In college the struggles continued. I didn't like who I was in high school so I decided to re-invent myself in college. The old cliques of SHS did not follow me. My deepest desire was to have friends, join clubs, have a full social calendar, and finally, if time allowed I would be a great student. Even in my new surroundings I struggled with the same things. I desperately wanted to be liked by everyone which usually meant that there were many who assured me that I was not. I tried to be everyone's friend, the first at the parties and the last to leave. I continued in the unsuccessful journey of trying to love SOMETHING about myself.

I was walking down the halls of the campus student center, which held the campus post office and bookstore, one day. A girl whom I had known for a while stopped me in the halls. She was training for a mission trip with the Baptist Student Union and was required to practice witnessing to people. She began with one question: "Are you going to heaven?" My answer: "I don't know". Thank God for the boldness of her next response: "Then you probably aren't".

She proceeded to hand me a tract and explain what to do with it. The rest of the conversation is a blur because I walked off in a complete haze, unaware of what was going on around me. From there God used so many things in my life to bring me closer to Him. The death of a grandfather, bad relationships with guys, fear of my own death, illness, lost friendships, and the desperate need for the love of a father. This is an on-going growth, but that was certainly the main turning point in my life.

Still, I struggled with my identity. All of the same chains held me captive as long as I allowed them to. I began to seek God, but didn't have a true grasp on what that journey looked like. I searched many people, relationships, denominations and groups to find out more about God and to find that person that God wanted me to become. I had some successes and many failures along the way. Soon after college graduation I met the man I would marry. Together we grew closer to God. Most of our growth happened a few years into our marriage, though.

We began our family and had 3 boys in 4 years. I loved being the mother of boys. Boys are such free spirits. Wild and fun and sweet to the core. I didn't know if I ever wanted a girl. My 30th birthday rolled around and I discovered I was pregnant with #4. About half way into the pregnancy I prayed deeply for a girl. On my knees, face in my hands, I cried out to God. "Please Lord, I pray now for a girl. I want a girl whom I can raise to be a lady and a woman of God! Humble, yet bold, self-confident yet compassionate, beautiful because beauty flows from within her, I want to raise a girl who can celebrate being the woman she will become instead of it being a life-long struggle! Finally, Lord...if I cannot glorify you in raising this baby girl I dream of, then I pray you do not give her to me."

My little girl is 3 at the time of this post. I have had another boy since my little girl, "D" was born. I pray my 4 boys become bold men of God. I personally know the struggles of being a female, though. The pressures, the unmet needs. I have come a long way in this journey because of the things God has revealed to me. I now can celebrate the female that I am, but the battles still exist.

So there it is....I don't know what will come of this. I just know that I've met too many women who struggle just like me and I think we might as well do it together. I praise God for creating me to be a woman...trials and all!