Beauty Within

     I was cooking hamburgers a few nights ago when my daughter pulled up a chair next to me.  She stood on it so that her precious little arms could reach the counter.  She was enjoying the bliss of alone time with Mommy.  She is the fourth child in a home that she shares with 4 brothers.  I find our bond intriguing.  I understand her needs by looking deep into my own.  She needs to see our eyes light up and know that she is the reason they twinkle.  She needs to twirl, and sing at the top of her lungs.  She needs to know that her songs and dances are not silly, but brilliant!  She needs to explore her maternal instincts without being allowed to become "bossy".  Her brothers need to each feel like Mom and Dad's pride and joy, but she needs to know she is truly our princess.  This is not a hard thing to encourage when we are teaching her that she is destined for royalty as the daughter of the Most High King!  
     I wish with everything that is in me that I could  remain in this knowledge with every single interaction with this baby.  Unfortunately, Daleigh has a broken mommy.  Broken from my past.  Broken from wrongs I've done, broken from wrongs done to me.  A mommy broken from watching the unjust things of this world. 
      I often remind my children that Mommy has a desperate need for a Savior.  Mommy yells sometimes, complains sometimes, loses control of her emotions sometimes, is unorganized and forgetful.  No, Mommy is nowhere near perfect.  That is why I want them to be Christ-like, not Mommy-like.  I do pray that I glorify God as often as I can, but the fact is....I will fail.  I just pray that as I  succeed in my own Christ-likeness, my kids will be equipped enough to recognize my success.....and when I fail, they'll recognize that too.  I pray that during those times they'll forgive me and appreciate that I am real and raw and weak in my flesh.
     So here is the celebration.  As Daleigh stood next to me perched on her little chair she let out a contented sigh and said, "I love you, Mommy".  I said, "Well, I love you too baby girl!"  She proceeded with "And your pretty."  I continued to reply with "thank you's", smiles and hugs throughout the string of compliments that followed:  "and you have pretty hair", "and I like your clothes".  But the one that caused a lump in my throat was, "and I like the shape of your body". 
     I could barely speak!  I am the girl that went from a size 3 to a size 13 all through my childhood.  I had friends when the numbers on the scale were smaller.....lost many when the numbers increased.  I was tiny due to Crohn's disease causing me to literally starve.  I would get on steroids to lighten the excruciating pain of the disease, but it would make me bloated and heavy.  The message I understood was that skinny=friends.  I would allow myself to get terribly sick from the disease and be thrilled if it meant quick weight loss.
     I was miraculously healed from Crohn's disease after the birth of my second child.  I give all the glory to God for that!  While many suffer in pain and undergo surgery after surgery for this disease, I remain unmedicated with no symptoms  for 8 years now.  But in its place I still have an unhealthy relationship with body image and with food.  I look back on the pictures of me in high school and college.  I had long, shiny, brown hair and a cute wardrobe of size 4 clothing.   I have a long way to go before I'll see a size 4 again.  I doubt I ever will.  But I have finally learned to prefer the Leigh I am now.  I commented on a college picture about how I wish I still looked like I did back then.  A sweet friend of mine commented back, "you are more beautiful now than you were then."  It struck me as odd.  Has she seen me lately?  Then I realized that she meant my spirit, and the transformation that I've undergone internally.  Right then I could see it.  I will always be grateful to Amy for showing me that.   
     I saw this as a perfect opportunity to explain something important to my little princess that will be repeated over the years.  My Daleigh girl is gorgeous!  Okay, so maybe I'm a little biased, but she has the skin of a porcelain doll, sparkling blue eyes, long curly lashes, and thick strawberry blond hair.  I just stare at her sometimes.  Her confidence is contagious and her laughter and songs fill our home.
     I told her that you could see the most beautiful girl in the world, but if she is not kind, her beauty fades very quickly.  I told her that the most beautiful thing she could ever have is a beautiful spirit.  I also told her that beauty can grow.  That same mean little girl whose beauty has faded can  get it back by choosing to make her spirit pretty--by choosing to be loving and kind like the Bible tells us to be.
     She said, "Like when you and Daddy argue, your beauty can fade.  When you choose kindness and love your beauty comes back and so does Daddy's coolness!"  Humbled, I said, "Exactly, sweet girl.  You get it." 
     My husband and I have not bought in to the idea of hiding all of our arguments from our children.  They are going to have them someday when they get married too.  I want them to know that it is not the end of the world.  That disagreements can be worked out and that Mommy and Daddy always make up.  The only rule to that is that we fight fair.  No name calling, no insulting, no threatening.  I love to see that Daleigh has watched and recognized the beauty that comes from the restoring.  Now she knows that her Savior can enhance her beauty like no other.